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A joke for you mere mortals

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  • A joke for you mere mortals

    :stirthepot: Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

    The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl said, "Last Friday at the end of the workday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings, and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

    The engaged woman giggled and said, " That' s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

    The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

    When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, and yelled, "Hey, Batwoman, what's for dinner?''

  • #2
    The scary thing ... I did all three with the girl who is now my wife of 20 years.


    • #3
      another joke...

      A guy walks into a pet store and goes to the bird section. In there, he sees a beautiful parrot and says "hey there parrot, how's it goin?"

      "It'd be goin a hell of a lot better if you'd buy me," the parrot replies.

      "HOLY ****, YOU CAN TALK!" the man exclaims. He then turns to the pet store owner and asks "hey, how much for this parrot?"

      "$20 bucks."

      "$20 bucks!?!? I don't believe that!" The man exclaims. "Why so cheap?"

      "got no legs." the pet store owner casually replies.

      The man turns back to the parrot. "You have no legs?" he asks. "Then how do you perch like that?"

      "I wrap my penis around the stick and perch that way." the bird responds.

      Well, the man really doesn't have a problem with this, and he's in need of some good conversation anyway, so he brings the bird home. The next day he gets home from work, excited as hell to talk to his new bird.

      "Hey there, bird! How was your day?" he asks as he comes in the door.

      "You'd better sit down, I have some bad news for you." the bird responds.

      "Oh no! This sounds bad!" the man says. His smile fades as he sits down. "What is it?"

      "Well, today while you were gone at work, the mailman stopped by. He rang the doorbell, and your wife answered wearing nothing but a bra and panties."

      "She WHAT?!" the man exclaimed.

      "Wait, there's more." said the bird.

      "Oh boy. Ok, go ahead."

      "Well, after she answered the door, they started kissing."

      "Oh this is just TERRIBLE!!" exclaimed the man. "Then what happened?"

      "Well, then he started to run his hands up and down her body and massage her breasts."

      The man is distraught. He doesn't want to know the answer but he can't help it, he has to know. "THEN WHAT???" he asks.

      The bird responds "I dunno, I got a hardon and fell off the stick."


      • #4
        Blonde Mortician

        A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

        The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

        The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

        The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

        She says to the mortician, "What ever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

        To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

        "There's no charge," she says.

        "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

        "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

        "So I just switched the heads."


        • #5
          Good one Rondar! :thumbsup:


          • #6
            A seal walks in to a club.


            • #7
              An oldie but goodie

              A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

              Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

              He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
              attended diligently, and learned all he could.

              When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

              When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

              Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

              The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

              "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

              After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."


              • #8

                They originally wanted to name the business
                But the "4" was late. :yes:
                "The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones."


                • #9
                  Originally posted by rsa
                  They originally wanted to name the business
                  But the "4" was late. :yes:
                  :fryingpan: But yeah, funny!!


                  • #10
                    The Perils of a Peach Farmer...

                    A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

                    He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

                    She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

                    He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

                    Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

                    The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and anoth er tear came from the other eye.

                    Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

                    He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying.

                    She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

                    Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'